some grace

So, I've been thinking a lot about a short comment that Maggie made on my last post: "it's so shitty how we hate ourselves when we are teen girls." and it's so true. I hated myself at that age. Actually, I really hated myself until a few years ago. I'm not talking about just feeling insecure. My self worth was so extremely tied to my looks that because I felt ugly, I actually didn't feel like I deserved good things to happen to me. Surely someone so hideous wasn't deserving of good things. What? Really, what in the hell was I thinking?

I don't know what did it, what made it click into place. It just did. One day, I gave myself the greatest gift ever - the gift of not giving a shit. Do you know how freeing that is? I get to live for myself, without having to worry about what other people think of me.

I think about what I would say to younger me if I could go back in time. I would tell the sad self-loathing girl to be more gentle on herself. Grace exists for others, it should for the younger me too. I would tell myself to stop agonizing over how I looked. Looking back on pictures, I was such a cute girl. I wish I could have appreciated that.

When I was young, I heard my mom speak often of how fat she was. She was always talking about going on a diet. I really thought that's just how it was supposed to be. We're just supposed to hate our bodies, even when there's nothing wrong with them. And then I got to middle school and started reading teen fashion magazines, where my thoughts were confirmed. Reading those magazines made me feel like I wasn't pretty enough. Not thin enough. Had the wrong hair. The wrong clothes. Essentially, just not enough. Whatever it was that you were, it wasn't enough. Those magazines were so fucking destructive to me. Today, I refuse to read them. The only women's magazine I subscribe to now is BUST, which is all about empowering women, rather than making them hate themselves.

So I'm breaking this cycle of self-loathing. I don't deserve to feel that way. Nobody does. Audrey will grow up with a mom who has a positive image of herself, which I hope in turn makes her feel confident. We will not talk about who is fat, as if their worth is measured by how tiny their waistbands are. And those stupid fashion magazines are banned from my home.


What are your thoughts on this, ladies? Did you feel this way when you were younger? And how do you feel about yourselves now? What would you say to your younger selves if you had the chance? And fellas, I would like your thoughts on all of this as well.

beach

When I was growing up in Florida, we went to the beach all the time. Even though I was pasty white (and still am) I would pile on the sunblock and head for the ocean. My parents have a timeshare at a beach, and we spent a lot of time there in the summers. I remember one time as a teenager, reading fashion magazines like they were my religion and as a result, feeling ugly and fat and not good enough. (I don't read those magazines anymore. They fuck with my head.) So anyway, I remember reading one of the swimsuit issues that come out every summer, and seeing the perfect girls with perfect bodies and perfect hair and perfect skin on the pages. And when it was time for me to go out to the beach, I showered, blow dried my hair, and put on what was probably whorish amounts of makeup. I'm guessing it was about a two hour process. All so I could go sit on a beach for a few minutes and suck in my belly as hard as I could before I had to call it quits because of a sunburn. And honestly, I didn't even really like the beach that much back then. The water was nice and warm to swim in, but the Florida humidity made it so uncomfortable, not to mention how ridiculously uncomfortable I was with myself.

And then I moved to L.A. and spent crazy amounts of time at the Pacific. A huge change from Florida, with its icy cold water and rocky beaches. I loved every bit of it. After Julian was born, the three of us would head down to the beach almost every weekend. We would first hit up The Omelette Parlor, and then the farmers market in Santa Monica on Ocean Park and Main St. After that, we'd jump back in the car and go to Zuma beach before it got too crowded.

Since we moved here two years ago, I've only been to the beach once, for my awesome sisterwife/friend Becca's 30th birthday, and Wade and Julian haven't been at all. Until this past week. And man, it was awesome. It was also Audrey's first trip to the ocean. She's almost 4 months, and that's right around the same time Julian had his first trip to the beach in Malibu. Our sweet friends rented a beach house on Sunset beach and let us stay with them for a few days. We really needed that mini-vacation and I hope it becomes a yearly thing for our family.

First time putting her toes in the ocean.





Best boys ever.

thursday

Today I started what will hopefully become a new routine of yoga. In an effort to get back to MILF status, I exercise pretty regularly. Babies are precious but man, they really trash your body. Anyway, I do cardio, free weights, and a lot of yoga and pilates stuff on my floor. But my yoga moves are kind of inconsistent because my hamstrings are like two inches long and I start to freak out in ridiculous pain every time I attempt downward dog. Okay, I exaggerate. But it really isn't fun. So I need something to encourage a good habit - and that's where Netflix's "Watch Instantly" option helps me out. I put a mega ton of workout videos in my queue, and I stream them right from my Mac to my living room where I perform all these moves on my yoga mat and swear at the woman who is making me do them. Hooray!! I think that deserves a big ass cupcake.

I've been tripping out lately on how different Julian and Audrey look. Here are both of their 3 month pictures. Julian's peaceful little Buddha pose cracks me up. And Audrey's face looks like she's saying, "Heeeeeeyyyyyy there!"



Today, I took both of my babies into the bedroom, put them down on the bed next to me (well, I just asked Julian to lie down) and we had a little photo shoot. It begins with everyone looking at the camera. Julian was all smiles and Audrey was on the edge of freaking out because she was so beyond tired that she refused to nap. Babies are crazy. Why don't they just go to sleep when they're tired? Do you know what I would give for a daily nap? Dang. Also, I have a nice huge spot of baby drool on my boob.



Next, Julian is starting to act like a nut, and Audrey is creeping even closer to the edge of a freak out because of all the noise Julian was making. Please note also that my left eyebrow parts naturally like Vanilla Ice's shaved brow lines. You can't force that kind of awesomeness. It just is.



Next is Audrey post meltdown, and Julian looking exasperated. They're both totally sick of this photo shoot already.



This one makes me laugh because Audrey and I are both looking at Julian make that crazy face.



I hope you all had an enjoyable Thursday. Now I'm going to watch some episodes of "The Sarah Silverman Program", which sadly got canceled. Damn it, why do all the good shows get canceled while "Two and a Half Men" remains on the air? INJUSTICE!!!