I don't know if turning 30 did it, or if it's just something that everyone goes through at some point in their lives, but I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Almost obsessed with it, and it really gets to me sometimes.
So, death. It's a natural part of life, right? We're all born, and we all die. And that's about all we know. Some people believe in Heaven and Hell, some believe in reincarnation, and others believe that there's just nothing. It all ends when you end. Which is maybe the scariest possibility I can think of.
Part of my problem, and why I think so much about death, is that I don't know what I believe. I used to believe in heaven and hell. It's the concept I was taught growing up, and I just believed what I was told. But I don't anymore. There are tons of reasons, which are too long to go into now, but suffice to say I don't believe in any of it at this point. And I wish I still did, in a way. It would make things so much easier to handle. When you die, you get to go to heaven and see all the people you loved and spend forever with them. That's packaged so nicely, isn't it? But it's just too much of a fairy tale for me to buy into anymore.
Here's how I view it now: You spend your life knowing and loving all kinds of people. Some, like a spouse or a parent/child relationship, you're closer with. You live your life and enjoy it - if you're lucky. And one day, you find yourself very old and frail. Old to the point of not being able to do the things you used to do with ease, and having random things keep failing. Eyesight. Hearing. The very bones and muscles that allowed you to do something as simple as standing in earlier years no longer work and you are confined to a wheelchair, or a walker at best. A gradual breakdown of the person you used to be, withering away in a tired old body but with a young spirit. And all that happens if you're lucky. What about the ones who never even get that far? They die of awful things like disease or accidents. Why? Who decides this? Is it random, or is there really some supreme being out there somewhere deciding all this for us? And why would he/she want or need to control these things?
And then, after you live that long life and get old (if you're lucky) you die. That's it. You're done. Everyone you've ever loved - do you ever get to see them again? This is what troubles me, what keeps me awake at night. I found myself looking at Audrey sleeping in her bed so sweetly one night, and the next thing I knew I was sobbing because one day I would have to lose her, and everyone else I've ever cared for. My life will end, and there will be no me.
It's the not knowing that gets me the worst. It's not the actual dying part that I'm scared of. It's what comes , or doesn't - after. People say they know their loved ones are in Heaven, but no one knows. None of us have ever gone there and come back. Nobody has died on an operating table only to wake up and say, "Whoa, that Hell is a really, really bad place. I'm staying outta there." Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody knows.
And I think that really fucking sucks.