I don't know if turning 30 did it, or if it's just something that everyone goes through at some point in their lives, but I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Almost obsessed with it, and it really gets to me sometimes.
So, death. It's a natural part of life, right? We're all born, and we all die. And that's about all we know. Some people believe in Heaven and Hell, some believe in reincarnation, and others believe that there's just nothing. It all ends when you end. Which is maybe the scariest possibility I can think of.
Part of my problem, and why I think so much about death, is that I don't know what I believe. I used to believe in heaven and hell. It's the concept I was taught growing up, and I just believed what I was told. But I don't anymore. There are tons of reasons, which are too long to go into now, but suffice to say I don't believe in any of it at this point. And I wish I still did, in a way. It would make things so much easier to handle. When you die, you get to go to heaven and see all the people you loved and spend forever with them. That's packaged so nicely, isn't it? But it's just too much of a fairy tale for me to buy into anymore.
Here's how I view it now: You spend your life knowing and loving all kinds of people. Some, like a spouse or a parent/child relationship, you're closer with. You live your life and enjoy it - if you're lucky. And one day, you find yourself very old and frail. Old to the point of not being able to do the things you used to do with ease, and having random things keep failing. Eyesight. Hearing. The very bones and muscles that allowed you to do something as simple as standing in earlier years no longer work and you are confined to a wheelchair, or a walker at best. A gradual breakdown of the person you used to be, withering away in a tired old body but with a young spirit. And all that happens if you're lucky. What about the ones who never even get that far? They die of awful things like disease or accidents. Why? Who decides this? Is it random, or is there really some supreme being out there somewhere deciding all this for us? And why would he/she want or need to control these things?
And then, after you live that long life and get old (if you're lucky) you die. That's it. You're done. Everyone you've ever loved - do you ever get to see them again? This is what troubles me, what keeps me awake at night. I found myself looking at Audrey sleeping in her bed so sweetly one night, and the next thing I knew I was sobbing because one day I would have to lose her, and everyone else I've ever cared for. My life will end, and there will be no me.
It's the not knowing that gets me the worst. It's not the actual dying part that I'm scared of. It's what comes , or doesn't - after. People say they know their loved ones are in Heaven, but no one knows. None of us have ever gone there and come back. Nobody has died on an operating table only to wake up and say, "Whoa, that Hell is a really, really bad place. I'm staying outta there." Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Nobody knows.
And I think that really fucking sucks.
10 comments:
I like to think of it as the world's best-kept secret. When you die, you get to know the secret. I think that's pretty cool, actually. (Not that I'm in any kind of hurry to exit.)
Ha! Best-kept secret indeed! I have often thought that too.
I believe in nothingness after death. I've never believed in anything else (though I was part of a Baptist church when I was very young). I don't know how to fathom anything else so maybe that's why it's not so scary for me (though it's a bit sadder now that I have a child that will lose me).
I love the Buddhist and Hindu ideas of reincarnation, and if that's what we do I guess we don't realize it..and when you're done you just become part of everything else. That sounds cool too - but again - something you won't see or understand even when you do die (if they're right).
I honestly don't want to exist for he rest of eternity. As a mind only as some believe or with a new body in "heaven". I'm not sure why, but that seems eternally boring. Maybe if heaven were just a rest stop on the way to "nirvana", but then it's like you have to die twice.
Sorry, didn't mean to brain vomit all over your comments. Clearly I think about this more than I should as well :-)
Not brain vomit at all, Amber! I actually really enjoy hearing what other people think about this. Everyone's ideas of it are so different, and it's kind of comforting knowing that other people spend time thinking about this too.
I also find the idea of Heaven completely boring. My sweet grandmother used to tell me when I was little that in heaven we all would live in mansions and walk on streets of gold, and be constantly feasting at this huge table in Heaven with God. And that sounded SO dull to my young mind. And now that I'm older and have given it more (probably too much) thought, it still sounds mind numbingly boring.
I think of this all the time too, always have, and I don't really know why either. I too freak myself out to the point of tears, usually at midnight when I'm lying in bed trying to go to sleep! I don't want other people I love to die, because I don't want to lose them, and also I don't want too die, because I don't want them to lose me. I was raised Catholic and my family is not in the least religious but have a hard time with me not believing in anything, but I just don't. I think it's the adult's version of Santa Clause, it's just a fantasy as you said to make ourselves feel better. I also like to believe in reincarnation and the better a person you are now, the better a life you'll get next time. It makes me feel better anyway, even if I just end up as worm food! My confusion now, since I'm due to have my first child in a few weeks is how to get them through this scary life without feeding them the same "tales" I got when my goldfish/puppy/grandma died when I was young. What can we tell them to make them feel better?
I take immense comfort in my belief that there is just nothing when you die. The supreme quiet of nothing...the utter calm of nothing.
As a small child (when I believed in heaven because I was supposed to), I'd lay awake in bed imagining what it would feel like to be dead. And I never once imagined I was in heaven...I'd try to imagine what it would feel like to not feel anything. All black, all quiet...dead. It's hard because your brain is thinking all the time and you wouldn't have thoughts when you're dead. It didn't even occur to me imagine being dead as the same thing as being in heaven.
I guess I'm just not really into the idea of "living" for all eternity. It would probably get super boring spending all your time admiring god and whatnot. And even if heaven was just a place where you spent time doing whatver you wanted, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to be surrounded by my family for all eternity. Ugh...that sounds terrible!
Anyway, all this is to say that I think once you're dead, nothing you did matters. Nothing that is happening to people who are alive matters...you won't even care because you're dead. And that's ok. Because everyone dies and it's sad and I don't want to die and I don't want my loved ones to die...but I know that when they do die, nothing will ever hurt them again...and besides, they won't know they're dead because they're dead. I won't know I'm dead because I'll be dead...and being dead means I won't care that I'm dead.
If you want to do more thinking on the whole idea of death, I highly recommend this online course at Yale titled simply: Death
http://oyc.yale.edu/philosophy/death/
It's absolutely amazing and helped me clear up some of my conflicting thoughts about death. It pretty much rocked my world and the professor is a world-renowned totally awesome bad-ass philosopher. I've been meaning to re-read all the lectures for a while now and I think I'll get started today! I heart Shelly Kagan!
i'm think i'm just okay with not knowing. although it does scare the shizzle out of me sometimes. i totally get it when you write about leaving your loved ones. i have some friends who "can't wait" to get to heaven, but i don't want to go! i want to be a momma to my kids forever. (well, not forever, but you know what i mean). i don't want to leave them.
so anyway. glad your blogging again since i can't see you every day in real life anymore. i need to know what's in my sisterwife's brain!!! i'm not a stalker at all!!! :)
tell Jdubs that leah says hi and misses him tons!!!
xoxo
becca
Kristin - You perfectly summed it up when you said that religion is the adult version of Santa Claus. Exactly.
As far as what to tell a child, I was just really honest with my son Julian when he went through that. When he was about 4, he started understanding that people and animals die, and they're gone forever. And it really freaked him out, and he'd come to me sobbing because he didn't want me to die one day and leave him. It broke my heart and left me sobbing with him so many times. I didn't want to tell him that there was some magical heaven where we all went, because I didn't believe it. So I told him what I did know: that I didn't know. That it is incredibly sad, and because we don't know when we will die or what happens to us after we die, we need to make every day special and love each other as much as we possibly can.
Crystal - Thanks so much for linking to that Yale course on death. I'm definitely going to check that out. And I think your thoughts on this topic are really interesting. I've actually been thinking about what you said a lot for the past few days. The logical breakdown of it not mattering and not being able to care because you're dead. There's no remorse for things lost because you won't realize it.
Becca - I know what you mean. I used to go to church with people who would complain about how much work they were doing or how much their kids bugged them, and they'd say how they couldn't wait to get to heaven....and then what? What do you do for ALL OF ETERNITY where everyone has their own mansion and streets of gold? Wouldn't you get so bored after a while? I like doing laundry and the hassles of my kids. It keeps things from getting stale.
We will talk so much shit when we finally get to hang out, deal?
After reading (and re-reading) all of your friends replies...I have to say your people rock! I love all this open mindedness ability to just philosophize :-)
Amber - You all DO rock! I really appreciate how respectful everyone is, and that we can all have different ideas but understand that just because someone has different beliefs it doesn't threaten your own.
You all are loads and loads of awesome.
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