A few nights ago, as Wade and I were snuggling Julian in his bed right before we turned out his lights, we started talking about Looney Tunes. How the characters always had crazy things happen, like boulders falling on them, but they'd get up and go back to whatever it is they were doing, that they couldn't be killed. And then Julian said, "I wish we were cartoons, so we'd never have to die." All three of us got really quiet, none of us really knowing what to say after that. It was like his words were the boulder falling on us, flattening us right out. So fucking heavy.
When I lie in bed at night, my mind goes to crazy places. I start thinking of things, and it spirals into such scary unknown that I can feel a panic attack starting in my chest, and the feeling that I'm falling backwards into a black hole. I have to make myself stop before it gets too scary and I'm a sobbing heap under the covers. I think about what it will be like when I die. How old will I be? How will I die? I try to imagine the very moment my heart stops beating. And then nothingness. And that's when the panic attack starts.
I've said before that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell anymore. I almost wish I did, because it made things so much easier. This agnosticism, bordering atheism, that I've found myself in feels really freeing sometimes. But when it comes to death, it's so scary. The idea that once you die, that is the very end of you. I've been reading a book that a good friend loaned to me called "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. And I'm summarizing here, but he said something like, he knows that when his brain ceases to function and there are no electrical impulses going through his body anymore, that is the end. No Heaven. No spirit that gets reincarnated into someone or something else. The end.
When I think about dying, I always imagine it as something that happens to other people, never to me, or to the people I love. I won't die. My mind can't go there. But intellectually, I know I will die one day, along with the people I love. People I love have already died. My Gram is going to turn 96 in a few days. She is the person I know who seems nearest to death. It's so hard for me to acknowledge, even though I am aware of how very old she is and the inevitable. It's still too much for me to try and understand.
So I have been somewhat obsessing about this, despite really not wanting to. Is that all we are, just electrical impulses? Just blood, bones, tissue and electricity all in one package, and nothing else? Do we have souls? I used to say that I knew for sure that we did. Now I don't know. Because really, we don't know. I'm really not coming from a place of being a cynical asshole, even though I have definitely turned into a cynical asshole when it comes to religion. But it's more of a scientific place that these thoughts stem from. What proof do we have that there are souls? I'm not saying that a soul can't exist, because really, I would love for that to be the case. But what do we have that can prove this, besides just blind faith? I am a fan of faith. I think it's really important for all of us to have faith in something that can propel us forward. But believing in something just because people have said to, is something I can't do anymore. I have too many questions. Do we have souls? And if we do, what happens to those souls after we die? Or are we just pure energy, absorbed back into the Universe? What about weird ghosty things that happen? I have definitely had some strange paranormal experiences that I can't explain any other way than to say that something spiritual was happening outside my control.
I think what bothers me so much is that I have such intense love for my family and friends. The thought that we won't exist one day and won't be able to know each other crushes me. I really understand when people say they will find each other after they've died, because I want that. I want to find the people I love, and know them always.
As if this wasn't heavy enough, this song destroys me:
(The link to the actual video was disabled, so this is just the song.)
13 comments:
Allison - there is such a powerful spiritual craving here in your post. your questions are not easy to answer and any response made might risk trivialization of the beautiful space you are 'thinking,' or aching in...
I have some background in these matters - both the faith and pain issues - and if I can suggest something with the utmost respect, it would be to encourage you to continue to read and inquire. Read works from agnostics, religious theologians - Christian, Jewish, Taoist, etc.... Let the diversity of thought, the depth of ideas become a part of you. Give this time. The truth that you need will make itself known.
I hope you know, I honor where you are and respect your discomfort...
Namaste'
Thanks for your words, Kim. I'm really into Joseph Campbell's stuff, and his unbiased look at all religions. I like how he didn't follow any religious beliefs, but knew so much about all religions. He was such a cool person.
Don't sink too far into the darkness when there is so much good to look forward to. I found that when I first accepted what I believed it was very dismal; to think that this life is all that we have. But I think that realization made me a better person. Anything nice that I do or that I say seems truer to me; I'm not doing anything for the sake of going someplace better later or earning "stars in my crown"; I simply do it because it is the right thing to do. I think a lot of people have trouble accepting that most atheists and agnostics are morally good people, but to me it makes perfect sense that someone who doesn't believe in a reward/punishment systems after we die would do things for a more profound reason. Death is the ultimate mystery but it’s the one experience that everyone will one day have. I find that thinking about death as a release makes it a little more comforting. I try to imagine it’s like being completely worn out and exhausted and laying down in fresh sheets and drifting off into a really deep slumber. I think it would bring peace to a weary old body to be free of any pain.
But who knows? All that really matters is appreciating and making the most of each that is here and now. If any of the meeps ever want to get together just give me a ring!
I love how open and honest you are about your fears and your curiosity.
I have a faith that makes me feel peace about what will happen after I die, but it doesn't always make feel peaceful about the exit itself. Nor about the dying of my loved ones, especially T or Ezra or Iris. And, like you, if I think about that long enought at night (why always at night?)--I turn into a mess and want to put everyone in a bubble.
Does someone not exist any more just because he or she dies? I don't think that's true. It's certainly not my experience. I feel like people who have died exist more somehow—especially if we really care about them.
I think that's what the whole "so-and-so lives in your heart" thing is about. While I find that phrase really syrupy and not at all relatable, I totally get the concept.
In any case, I think about death all the time. All the time. How such-and-such could kill me... How it would feel to die in such-and-such a way... What it will be like when Rob dies, when my faraway friends die... Will I know I'm dying?
The odd thing is, I find all the not knowing kind of comforting. And the idea of dying somewhat comforting. It's the biggest secret there is; when I die, I get to know the secret.
Sending peaceful thoughts your way.
P.S. I think you're a Zen Buddhist. Or maybe you're just Buddhisht.
P.P.S. Have you seen the movie Defending Your Life? I love that vision of the afterlife.
Okay, so I was doing okay, until I saw the title for the song. Then, with a lump in my throat, I had to try very hard not to cry. I can't even think about that song.
For the last ten years, I have had my parent's deaths on my mind. Hello, depression, and thank you. Times when I wasn't so depressed, when I was on medication, or just doing really well on my own, it wasn't on my mind so much, but it's always there. Especially after I see them. It's all I can think about. They are so old, and my mother's health is always in question. When I receive a phone call from my mother, no matter what time of day, I always brace myself for bad news about my father.
I don't know why my brain goes there.
I have the sad thought that when we die, it's over. I don't like it, but nothing else makes sense, and I'm not holding out for something different. I really can not believe we have souls. I can not believe we are anything more than the electrical impulses. It makes me very sad, and I try not to think about it.The death thing, in regard to having a soul and the possibility of an after life, that doesn't make me sad. I'm not afraid to die. I'm afraid of what will happen to me when my loved ones die.
The problem with thinking that I have no soul, and that I am only electrical impulses in my brain, is the contrast of it against what I used to think. Because I know how much easier it was to think that everything had a reason. It was so much easier to think someone was putting it all together, and someone cared about me so much.
Now, what? Nothing. Now, nothing. I am on my own here. And I'm not really ready for that.
Or, that's just the depression, and I really love my life anyway.
It's hard to tell.
well, you know I'm really, really spiritual. I have been from the second I can remember- My first memories are of my blue carpet when we lived in DC when I was 2, and of my 2-yr-old birthday cake. And I remember feeling like I was being held up by something bigger... like a spirit.
I don't give a shit if people think I'm crazy. Because if knowing "God" or the "Universe" or whatever you want to call it is wrong, then I guess I'm wrong. But I love being wrong. Because I CANNOT live without my spiritual side. I actually mentioned this to Zach a few nights ago. I KNOW I have angels. We all have angels that live with us. I feel them every day.
Dawkins is an asshole by the way. In my humble opinion. There's no fucking way my Grandmother is just a pile of nerves. She will live on forever after her body dies. I don't care where or how, but she will. If he doesn't think any spiritual realm exists, then why the hell does he care if I do? Why is he so down on all the people who find comfort in it, and why is he on a crusade to stop it? Why does it bother him so deeply? Things that make you go hmmmm.....
Being spiritual makes me a better and more loving person to ALL around me, whether any given person agrees with me or not. I love that I am improved... I am made nicer, more giving, more forgiving. People who use religion to be jerks = suck. People who use religion to be better people = more power to 'em.
I think you're way spiritual. I don't think it matters what you attribute it to.
The tone of this post, btw, is like fluffy and happy (hard to "hear" that) except for the Dawkins stuff. That guy needs a good glass of wine and an ass-stick removal service.
I know I'll see you after we die. Sisterwives-4-eva.
I so hear you. Can't even listen to that song. I don't wanna be dead either. And I'd sign my name under that whole long paragraph there.
Katt - I completely agree with you. If anything, not believing in a Heaven has made me appreciate the moment more. If I think that this is all there is, I will be more present and remember to not get so worked up about little things. And if there is more, then it's a happy surprise.
I am still not open about my beliefs (or disillusionment in my former beliefs) with a lot of people, because saying out loud that you think there's a possibility that there isn't some god watching us, is probably just about as bad to them as saying that you kidnap and eat newborn babies. People get so worked up and can't handle it.
And you're right about the moral thing. I am good to people because it's the Golden Rule. Not God's Rule. If I am good, it's because it's how I want to be and not because of a reward or punishment that I might receive. I can't tell you how many times I've heard the unfaithful spouse thing in church - "I was weak! Satan tempted me!" People passing off their shitty behavior as being tempted by some outside force. No, fuckers. Take responsibility for your actions. No Devil made you do it.
Your metaphor for death - lying down on fresh sheets when you're exhausted - has been making me feel a lot better this week.
K - Why is it always at night!!???? And thank you for still talking to me, even though I'm bordering atheism. I really do respect your faith (and everyone else's) because the truth is, none of us know. So if your faith is giving you purpose in your life and you are a good person, I see no reason to be a cynical bastard about that.
Noelle - Zen Buddhist would be awesome!! Although, I wonder if real Zen Buddhists would think I'm a total dong. Are Zen Buddhists even allowed to say "dong" though?
Jenny- I think the extreme form of religion that we were exposed to and led to believe is what has made us turn so fiercely against it. Something as extreme as that can't sustain itself. The hypocrisy we saw from people who claimed to be doing God's work, people we trusted, was enough to make us run. I like that we're both in a place of questioning things though. I can't imagine what my life would be like if I had stayed trapped in that bubble.
Becca - You are a fantastic sisterwife and friend. And I love that you are spiritual. And really, I hope that your version is right. Because it's a lot more comforting than the thought I've been having. I want for there to be something, some way to find each other when this life is done.
And I think Dawkins is an asshole too, really. He's very, very smart. I like that about him. But he's also just mean to the point of saying that people with faith are stupid for having faith. I understand the need to defend himself as an atheist, because people treat you like a monster for saying there is no God. And I get that he needs to be very specific and break down each point he makes in a very logical way. But still, he is assholey about the whole process. I'm really okay with other people having faith, and I'm not threatened by it. I also don't find them to be stupid. I find a lot of what goes on within all the religions to be incredibly stupid. But when it all started, I think it came from a pure place. A place of feeling that there's something bigger than us, and wanting to acknowledge that in some way. It's all just been very corrupted along the way. Anyway, all that is to say that I think you're a badass and your faith is too.
Christine - <3. We get each other.
I sometimes really wish I believed in something. You know this about me. It's sometimes really scary and lonely to feel like this is it. But that's all I feel.
I would love to have faith in something other than what is, but I don't. Sometimes it's freeing, and sometimes it's stifling. Often times it's something I try not to talk about because people think I'm a baby eater for not having a god or a fear of some afterlife redemption.
I have gotten to the point where you are though. My parents are nearing the age of my grandparents when they died. I'm worried that I leave Alexa alone and broken if I were to pass. It makes me cry to think of not seeing her grow up. I sometimes really wish there were a heaven just so I knew I could watch the rest of my family's lives unfold even if I'm not present.
I don't really know what to do with those thoughts or wishes. The only solace I have is that in my belief system I'm nothing when I die so I won't have the ability to worry. It still makes me tear up to think about someone on Earth missing me if I can't miss them back.
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