A few nights ago, as Wade and I were snuggling Julian in his bed right before we turned out his lights, we started talking about Looney Tunes. How the characters always had crazy things happen, like boulders falling on them, but they'd get up and go back to whatever it is they were doing, that they couldn't be killed. And then Julian said, "I wish we were cartoons, so we'd never have to die." All three of us got really quiet, none of us really knowing what to say after that. It was like his words were the boulder falling on us, flattening us right out. So fucking heavy.
When I lie in bed at night, my mind goes to crazy places. I start thinking of things, and it spirals into such scary unknown that I can feel a panic attack starting in my chest, and the feeling that I'm falling backwards into a black hole. I have to make myself stop before it gets too scary and I'm a sobbing heap under the covers. I think about what it will be like when I die. How old will I be? How will I die? I try to imagine the very moment my heart stops beating. And then nothingness. And that's when the panic attack starts.
I've said before that I don't believe in Heaven or Hell anymore. I almost wish I did, because it made things so much easier. This agnosticism, bordering atheism, that I've found myself in feels really freeing sometimes. But when it comes to death, it's so scary. The idea that once you die, that is the very end of you. I've been reading a book that a good friend loaned to me called "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins. And I'm summarizing here, but he said something like, he knows that when his brain ceases to function and there are no electrical impulses going through his body anymore, that is the end. No Heaven. No spirit that gets reincarnated into someone or something else. The end.
When I think about dying, I always imagine it as something that happens to other people, never to me, or to the people I love. I won't die. My mind can't go there. But intellectually, I know I will die one day, along with the people I love. People I love have already died. My Gram is going to turn 96 in a few days. She is the person I know who seems nearest to death. It's so hard for me to acknowledge, even though I am aware of how very old she is and the inevitable. It's still too much for me to try and understand.
So I have been somewhat obsessing about this, despite really not wanting to. Is that all we are, just electrical impulses? Just blood, bones, tissue and electricity all in one package, and nothing else? Do we have souls? I used to say that I knew for sure that we did. Now I don't know. Because really, we don't know. I'm really not coming from a place of being a cynical asshole, even though I have definitely turned into a cynical asshole when it comes to religion. But it's more of a scientific place that these thoughts stem from. What proof do we have that there are souls? I'm not saying that a soul can't exist, because really, I would love for that to be the case. But what do we have that can prove this, besides just blind faith? I am a fan of faith. I think it's really important for all of us to have faith in something that can propel us forward. But believing in something just because people have said to, is something I can't do anymore. I have too many questions. Do we have souls? And if we do, what happens to those souls after we die? Or are we just pure energy, absorbed back into the Universe? What about weird ghosty things that happen? I have definitely had some strange paranormal experiences that I can't explain any other way than to say that something spiritual was happening outside my control.
I think what bothers me so much is that I have such intense love for my family and friends. The thought that we won't exist one day and won't be able to know each other crushes me. I really understand when people say they will find each other after they've died, because I want that. I want to find the people I love, and know them always.
As if this wasn't heavy enough, this song destroys me:
(The link to the actual video was disabled, so this is just the song.)