Steve Miller business cards

Wade and I tried watching a dvd from Netflix tonight, but the disc was scratched. I know you know how frustrating that is. It makes me want to rail against the man. So we turned it off, and decided to see if we could watch something on Netflix streaming instead. Except that wouldn't work either.

So I got pissed with the whole television setup and came upstairs to my computer, and made some business cards for Steve Miller. You know, because he might totally need them now that he's not actively rocking like he was in the '70s. Or is he?

Anyway, here are his business cards. You're welcome, Steve.

gratitude list

Can I tell you about my day?

It began with Audrey waking up at 1:00 am, puking all over herself. I think besides the newborn projectile vomits (and dude. the lady could launch that shit.) this is the first time she's ever thrown up. And it scared her. We cleaned her up and brought her into our bed and I snuggled and breastfed her until morning. Which, aside from the vomit, is not really any different from any other night. We are lovers of co-sleeping. But last night, Audrey was a wiggly uncomfortable little pickle, with a roaring and gurgling belly, and like fourteen arms and legs. I swear to you, babies turn into Ganesha when they sleep.

When we woke up, Audrey was fine. As if the night never happened. And then The Coffee Incident happened. Now, I find this very funny because today is National Coffee Day. I had just told Audrey that we were going to go down to the basement to watch Sesame Street, and was holding her with my left arm. With my right, I had my freshly poured cup of coffee. NOT THE STAIRS, you're thinking. Yes. I do this every single day and so far it has yet to be harmful. I think that even if I fell, I'd do a classy roll like Gene Wilder did in the first Willy Wonka movie. That's how I roll. Heh heh. Besides, it's only a half-flight of stairs since this is one of those 70's split level houses.

So. Going downstairs with baby and coffee. Molly, the neediest dog in the entire world, decided that just following me everywhere wasn't enough, and felt that being directly underneath me as I walked was a better option. Except that dogs have shitty logic, so it didn't pan out. I tripped on Molly and the coffee cup I was holding (my favorite one, by the way) fell down the stairs and shattered into so many pieces that I swore it was more like 5 mugs that broke, not just 1. There were glass shards everywhere, and I still was finding them later this afternoon in places pretty distant from The Coffee Incident. And then there was the coffee. I cleaned coffee off the floors, stairs, and walls for so very long. At the end of it all, I found Molly huddled up on her little dog bed, looking very nervous, and with coffee on half of her body. Poor lady. So she got cleaned up too.

Oh! And I should probably mention that Audrey was not dropped. Or cut. Or burnt with coffee.

Then I went out to a nature trail with my sister and Audrey because I needed to get out of my house before more stuff went crazy wrong. When I came back, I found that Molly had chewed an entire 24 pack of crayons that I just bought.

It seems like a day full of suck. Except that it wasn't, really. Today was a mostly really great day with some crazy stuff peppered in. So I think it's time to write a gratitude list. I used to say things I was grateful for, out loud before bed every night. It's a practice I learned in Al-Anon, and it has a really great way of making terrible situations seem better because there's always something good to be found. I think just being so busy with being a full-time caregiver has made me slack off on the mental gratitude list before bed, and then I saw that Cait wrote one on her blog, The Happy Radish.

Here are 10 things that made me happy today:
1. Hanging out with my sister
2. Changing the words to songs so they're filthy, and then cracking up.
3. Seeing a deer on the nature trail today. She was so close to us!
4. Audrey singing along when I go, "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"
5. Julian being very excited about a screenplay he's writing
6. Thursday is family pizza night. The simple routine of that is so sweet to me.
7. Julian asking me to smell his hair after his shower, because he likes his shampoo.
8. Boiling garbanzo beans and noticing a foam, declaring that the foam is "boiled farts", googling the info and finding out I'm kind of right. Any time you can claim superior fart knowledge is a good thing, I say.
9. Texting with one of my oldest friends about silly high school crushes.
10. M&Ms, and the way Audrey finally says "please" when I bribe her with them. But it's more like, "peace!!"

Nothing gigantic. But all happy. Even in days that are nutty, there's always something good to be extracted.

Now it's your turn. What made you happy today?

how to know you're a grown-up

Last night I had a dream that I was going about my day and doing usual things like shopping at Target and picking up Julian from school. Except that peppered in with the regular stuff was the part where I was spending large amounts of cash on frivolous things. Just grabbing things off shelves and buying them simply because I wanted them. And then at the register when I was paying, the cashier asked me if I wanted to donate some money to whatever charity they were supporting. So I did. Without even thinking, I said, "Sure! Make it $85!" (That's such a random number, but I remember it. If dream Allison was spending money all willy-nilly, why wouldn't she make it an even $100? Cheapskate. And who in the hell says 'willy-nilly' anyway?)

Then I woke up in a panic because I was spending money I didn't have, and wanted to immediately check my bank account online to make sure it was all just a bad dream.

And this is how you know you're a real grown-up: Your dreams have shifted from ones of being chased by monsters to dreams of fiscal irresponsibility. So much scarier than monsters.

I'm burnin' for you

I think this would be the best song to play in the background to lighten the mood as you're breaking it to someone that you've given them an STD.



But still, don't expect to walk away without a sound ass-kicking, I'm sure.

accent vlog

Oh my god. I just did a vlog. Do you know how stupid I felt doing a vlog? Not that vlogging is stupid. But it's basically me documenting how I talk to myself. Sure, I talk to myself all day long because I'm batshit crazy. But documenting it on a webcam? Different story.

So anyway, here it is. I tried to do this earlier, but Audrey was all wiggly and kept trying to expose my bewbs, so I gave her a box of raisins. She's hanging out with me and chowing on her raisins. After I finished the video, she decided to start cramming them down her pants. Babies are the coolest.

You guys. I am a little embarrassed just posting this, because hearing my own voice makes me cringe. Be gentle, please.



The instructions are to say these words:

Aunt, Route, Wash, Oil, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, Sure, Data, Ruin, Crayon, Toilet, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Spitting image, Alabama, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Syrup, Pajamas, Caught

And answer these questions:

What is it called when you throw toilet paper on a house?
What is the bug that when you touch it, it curls into a ball?
What is the bubbly carbonated drink called?What do you call gym shoes?
What do you say to address a group of people?
What do you call the kind of spider that has an oval-shaped body and extremely long legs?
What do you call your grandparents?
What do you call the wheeled contraption in which you carry groceries at the supermarket?
What do you call it when rain falls while the sun is shining?
What is the thing you change the TV channel with?

warning: awesome overload

I think I just broke the internet with all that awesome.