worn

I am having such a hard time lately with being a stay-at-home-mom. First of all, I hate the acronym SAHM. It bugs me. I can't even really explain why, other than it kind of reminds me of "ham sandwich" which isn't entirely bad. I'm not making any sense.

This caregiver thing is wearing me down. I feel like all I am is someone who takes care of small people. I am not Allison anymore. Allison, who had interests and talents in other areas than being a full time babysitter.

Sometimes I think that if Audrey ever slept, that might make things easier. If I could just make it through a night without being needed and having small hands reach for me, and tug on my eyelashes or the hair at my neckline. Two nights ago, Audrey slept through the night and it made such a difference in how I felt about being with her during the day. I was happy to be around her, and I didn't mind being needed. Last night, she did her usual neversleeping thing and was up all night. She rolled around in my bed and kept me awake, and accidentally punched me in the mouth and split my lip. This morning, I feel like I don't want to be anyone's mother. I just want to lie in bed and cry. But I can't. I have to spend all day taking care of her, even though I am physically and mentally exhausted. There is no backup. Wade does so much when he's home, and is really a tremendous partner. But when he's at work all day, I'm just here alone with Audrey. I am so jealous of the people who have families who support them and help them with their kids.

And then there's this tremendous guilt that goes with these feelings of not wanting to have to take care of anyone, or be touched. Like I'm this horrible mother for resenting my child and her neediness. Guilt over most days hating being a stay-at-home-mom, and wishing I could go to a job instead of feeling trapped here all day with a kid who never sleeps and always needs to be touched.

And then, there's this. This perfect little girl who is sweet and smart and funny, and makes our family complete:

This is the face she makes when I ask her to smile.

Crayon all over her face. Or, as she calls it, "lips."

How can I feel so much love for someone that it makes me feel like my chest could literally explode sometimes, and then feel like I don't want to stay home with her and be around her all day? I know that this feeling of mom-guilt or whatever you call it is a useless emotion. Guilt does us no good. It gets us into negative thinking patterns and ruts. But even with knowing this, I still feel guilt. I feel guilty for wishing time would speed up and she would be in preschool for a few days a week so I could get a break and not feel so suffocated, because it means that I'm not enjoying right now. This time that I will never get back with her. I'm not savoring it. And I really wish that I were, because I know that she won't be tiny forever. She is going to grow up and go off to school, and then I will long for the days that I had that clingy baby who needed to be touched all day.