31 totally punked me. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to wean Audrey. But my body right now looks like it's melting. It's floppity and all my clothes are a little too tight, and my skin. Oh, my skin. It's very confused and thinks I'm 15 and 75 all at the same time.
What the crap, though? It's bad enough that my hair is in a weird growing out phase, but now I have gross skin and a floppity body to go with it. You know those girls who, when they gain weight, just gain it in their boobs and butt? Yeah. I am not one of those girls. I gain weight in my extra butt. What is an extra butt? It is the area on the back, above the butt, that used to be completely normal prior to ever being pregnant. But once pregnant, it was like my body decided to start storing fat there, in the shape of an extra butt strapped to my back, for famine. My not so lovely lady lumps.
I'm not going to say what my weight is, because I am not looking for sympathy and would mostly experience the collective eye roll from the internet. We have this weird thing in chick society that, unless you're morbidly obese, if you ever complain about your body, everyone will go, "Whatever, girl!" But when you're used to your body being a certain size and shape always, even a few extra pounds (like the 7 or 8 I'm toting around) make a huge difference in the way you feel about yourself. Clothes don't fit well anymore. And it's not like I'm going to go out and buy new clothes just because I gained a few pounds. Everything just feels weird and uncomfortable. And I know that I mostly have a size that I am comfortable with, but this extra me is bumming me out. Or it's extra bumming me out. Get it? I made a terrible pun about my extra butt. Yeah.
I'm hoping it's all just some awful side effect of a hormonal freak out from the everlasting weaning process. The weaning process truly is taking forever. Audrey has mastered the art of wearing me down by sweetly begging, "Pease!! Peaaaaase?" And when I say no, she looks at me and gives me the one raised eyebrow and says, "Hamahn!" (C'mon!) Also, her ability to use a perfectly timed, "What the what!?" blows my mind. The lady means business about getting a boobie. (Side rant: I am so fucking tired of random people scolding me and saying that, "When they're old enough to ask for it, they should be cut off." Audrey said "booboo" before she ever said "Mama"- so that logic is crappy. 2 years old is not a disgusting age to still be breastfeeding, and I can promise you that she will not be a 13 year old who still breastfeeds, nor will she be somehow emotionally fucked up from extended breastfeeding. Also? Everybody just stop giving formula feeding moms shit for not breastfeeding. End rant.)
Although I am 31 with the skin of both a 15 and 75 year old, I have the mental maturity of a 12 year old boy. Evidence:
Can you see that? It says, "pee + poop here" with a little downward pointing arrow. We signed Julian up for an after school Mad Science program because he's really interested in science and doing experiments. (Don't ask me what they do, because every time I ask, he says, "Stuff.") So he came home one day with this pen that writes in invisible ink and on the other side, it has a tiny black light. He got right to work proclaiming his love for a lady on his bedroom walls, and I thought it would be awesome to write above the toilet in invisible ink. Because I'm classy and would never write it in visible ink.
12 comments:
Yea, being in your 30s is annoying... I've just passed 32 and I can barely talk about it, mostly because 22 seems NOT that long ago.. though my 32 year old body keeps reminding me that 22 was actually 10 years ago.
I hate that it takes a ridiculous amount of effort just to stay in reasonable physical condition. In my 20s, I put in minimal effort and things were good. Now? Oh boy, does it take more than minimal effort. And I'm like you, I'm not really carrying extra weight, I just feel gross and floppity.
Here's hoping Jillian Michaels will whip my keester into shape and make me 'toned' as her dvds claim.
My thirties have been an asshole to my body too. I'll be 34 this year, and it's like everything decided to turn into my mother. Also. Why do my boobs have to live in my armpits? I don't understand this.
Um, your boobs, your kid, your business.
It's depressing. My boobs are nearing bellybutton length. And it's like my metabolism went, "Well, you're in your 30s. It's been nice knowing you - I'm outta here."
I have begun doing her 30 Day Shred dvd and can notice a difference in the way my muscles feel, and am able to get through a workout without feeling like I'm dying. Which is great, because when I first started, I was pausing it every few minutes, trying not to collapse in a sad heap on the floor. But I still am not seeing any visible change, which sucks because I want instant gratification from these ass-kicking workouts.
I've found since my kid has decided to wean (or at least nurse way less) I've gained a ton of weight. Now that the weather is getting nicer and I can't hide under my parka it's definatley a bummer. Still I think we're all hardest on ourselves! Doesn't make it any easier to deal with though
Dude. I KNOW! I keep thinking, "Is it because I'm 30? Is it because of Crohn's disese? Is it because I had a baby???" I mean, holy cow. Nothing feels right, and my face is so skinny. When did my face get so skinny? And my belly got so...not skinny? And where'd these lizard hands come from?
There was a time, months after having the baby, I was losing weight, slimming down, people were noticing. I felt great. Then, it stopped. My body decided it was done. It prefers being compared to a marshmallow. And a lizard.
I am 32 and let me tell you, after 3 kids, I am feeling your pain. I too have the extra butt on my lower back. It is especially apparent when wearing a baby carrier, so that the fat squeezes out between the straps and MAN is that hot.
Also, I just started running again to drop the extra 5 or 7 pounds of baby weight that's hangin' around and it is so pathetic. I mean, I have no muscle tone left. But I am not giving up. Beach time in 3 months. Motivation. Hang in there!
My skin lately?? ATROCIOUS. And for extra fun, it's all really just on my chin, so I'm thinking some sort of burqua is what I might resort to to hide it. It's honestly not been this bad in ages and it completely blows and ugh.
That is all.
We have our weaners to blame!! (heh heh.) You are absolutely right that we are hardest on ourselves. I need to cut myself a little more slack and just be grateful that my body works. Some days the doughiness really gets to me though.
Those last two sentences made me laugh. I have noticed that my hands are exceptionally elderly looking lately too. They're at least 80 years older than the rest of me.
Extra butt solidarity!! Fist pump!! And ohhh, the carrier. You get all wrapped up in it like Obi Wan and then the Jabba oozes out the sides. And that's my nerdy Star Wars fat analogy. It makes me glad that Audrey has been very anti-carrier, because the squish was uncontrollable with those straps.
Yes! Beach time! 3 months is enough time to get some muscle tone built up, right? We can do this.
But not by the acne of my chinny chin chin! Why are chins the worst for that? And sadly, my chin is home to two surly whiskers that must be regularly yanked out. I'm totally outing myself on the internet as a really disgusting person right now, but I keep a pair of tweezers in my car specifically for chin whisker moments. There is nothing like seeing yourself in your car vanity mirror to illuminate every single unsightly chin whisker you possess. Damn that natural daylight. See? I'm disgusting.
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