31 totally punked me. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to wean Audrey. But my body right now looks like it's melting. It's floppity and all my clothes are a little too tight, and my skin. Oh, my skin. It's very confused and thinks I'm 15 and 75 all at the same time.
What the crap, though? It's bad enough that my hair is in a weird growing out phase, but now I have gross skin and a floppity body to go with it. You know those girls who, when they gain weight, just gain it in their boobs and butt? Yeah. I am not one of those girls. I gain weight in my extra butt. What is an extra butt? It is the area on the back, above the butt, that used to be completely normal prior to ever being pregnant. But once pregnant, it was like my body decided to start storing fat there, in the shape of an extra butt strapped to my back, for famine. My not so lovely lady lumps.
I'm not going to say what my weight is, because I am not looking for sympathy and would mostly experience the collective eye roll from the internet. We have this weird thing in chick society that, unless you're morbidly obese, if you ever complain about your body, everyone will go, "Whatever, girl!" But when you're used to your body being a certain size and shape always, even a few extra pounds (like the 7 or 8 I'm toting around) make a huge difference in the way you feel about yourself. Clothes don't fit well anymore. And it's not like I'm going to go out and buy new clothes just because I gained a few pounds. Everything just feels weird and uncomfortable. And I know that I mostly have a size that I am comfortable with, but this extra me is bumming me out. Or it's extra bumming me out. Get it? I made a terrible pun about my extra butt. Yeah.
I'm hoping it's all just some awful side effect of a hormonal freak out from the everlasting weaning process. The weaning process truly is taking forever. Audrey has mastered the art of wearing me down by sweetly begging, "Pease!! Peaaaaase?" And when I say no, she looks at me and gives me the one raised eyebrow and says, "Hamahn!" (C'mon!) Also, her ability to use a perfectly timed, "What the what!?" blows my mind. The lady means business about getting a boobie. (Side rant: I am so fucking tired of random people scolding me and saying that, "When they're old enough to ask for it, they should be cut off." Audrey said "booboo" before she ever said "Mama"- so that logic is crappy. 2 years old is not a disgusting age to still be breastfeeding, and I can promise you that she will not be a 13 year old who still breastfeeds, nor will she be somehow emotionally fucked up from extended breastfeeding. Also? Everybody just stop giving formula feeding moms shit for not breastfeeding. End rant.)
Although I am 31 with the skin of both a 15 and 75 year old, I have the mental maturity of a 12 year old boy. Evidence:
Can you see that? It says, "pee + poop here" with a little downward pointing arrow. We signed Julian up for an after school Mad Science program because he's really interested in science and doing experiments. (Don't ask me what they do, because every time I ask, he says, "Stuff.") So he came home one day with this pen that writes in invisible ink and on the other side, it has a tiny black light. He got right to work proclaiming his love for a lady on his bedroom walls, and I thought it would be awesome to write above the toilet in invisible ink. Because I'm classy and would never write it in visible ink.