Remember when I said I had just ordered this swimsuit, and was super excited about how it was going to make me a huge milf, and that it would conceal all my wobbly bits that I feel so insecure about?
Well, it came in the mail today. And I was so very excited to try it on. I was even feeling pretty good about my body and not thinking any hateful thoughts about it, and feeling like maybe I'm not so wobbly and crazy looking after all. I even had finished a pretty great workout and was feeling like my muscle tone is slowly but surely coming back. And then I tried it on.
Okay, I am a white girl. I have a white girl butt. I mean, it's not bone thin or anything, but I certainly do not have a juicy booty that is so coveted in our society. But the way this swimsuit was sewn, you would think that I had the badonkadonk-iest bum ever, because it gave me weird butt cleavage. Like, where the elastic line went, it was so tight that my butt squished out of it. My small, flat, white girl butt was too big for this thing. And the chest!! The chest that was supposed to be padded and supported with underwires. Well, it had a thick and tight elastic running across the very top that did this really adorable flattening down of my already really unfortunate and long mom boobs. Hello, bellybutton length nips! Good to show you off!
I don't think I even need to say that ModCloth will be getting a return shipment from me very soon.
Oh, polka dotted milf swimsuit. I had such high hopes for you. And the search continues.
23 comments:
Oh, how disappointing! I know how disheartening it is to try on a bad swimsuit. It is the worst. I just had some luck with a retro-style swimsuit from Anthropologie and maybe you would want to give it a try? Sounds like we have similar mom-body issues. Here are my favorites:
This one gets stellar reviews, and though pricey, if it fits, it will last you for years and years: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/953678.jsp?color=001
This is the one I got. Same deal. It is amazing:
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/23995343.jsp
And this is my favorite one-piece, also gets rave reviews:
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/23716905.jsp
Save up those pennies, mama. A good suit is so worth it!
Frowny face! I have that suit (in red with white polka dots), and I'm a big fan—BUT I didn't even attempt it in my regular size. I went up a size, and probably could've gone up two.
In my experience, bathing suits are like formal wear that way; the one that fits perfectly will be at least a size up from your "street clothes size."
BOOO. That is rather unfortunate. I haven't started my swimsuit search yet, but I will be soon, and the entire prospect has my stomach cramping. The last suit I bought was three years ago, and it's brown (the one color I NEVER wear), and is basically a swim dress. My legs used to be the bane of my existence, but since I've been running, I don't mind them anymore. So I'm thinking a tankini? Maybe? UGH. See? This entire swimsuit thing is agonizing for all of us, I think.
Tankinis really are the way to go. I have one from Gap Body that I got a few years ago, and it's probably the only thing that covers enough of the wobbly stuff without looking too frumpy.
Noelle! I *knew* that I had seen that suit before, but couldn't place it. It was on you! And you looked fantastic in it!
I followed the instructions and bought an 8, because my regular size is a 6, so I was expecting it to be roomy and comfortable. Maybe I should have gotten a 10? Swimsuit shopping is so hard, especially when you're just doing it online.
All of those suits are so pretty! I didn't even think to shop Anthropologie, because they're so expensive on everything that I immediately write them off. But you're right - if it's a suit that will be worn for years and years, it's well worth it to spend a bit extra. I spend extra on jeans too, because I wear them for at least 5 years before I buy new ones, and if you split $150 over 5 years, it's not really that expensive.
Swimsuit shopping is hard. And it's especially hard, because it's like walking around in your underwear in front of people you would normally not let see you in your undies. And you're supposed to feel comfortable that way! What the what?! "Oh, hey. Here I am, just walking around in my water-safe underwear. Yep. You can see my bum and wobbly bits. No big deal."
Bummer! I have a lot of trouble with that retro cut at the leg opening. I think it might be because I'm short and it just makes my legs look stubby... not sure but I love the way it looks on other people and it's never quite right on me. I truly hate being in a swimsuit. I always wear a big tunic over mine and if I could plunge right into the water in my tunic without being ridiculed I would.
Thwarted in your MILFyness? Is there no justice in the world?
Wobbly bits.
I tell you what, I wear the tankini top, and shorts. Long shorts. I don't care if anyone thinks anything weird about me. I really assume they don't. I am comfortable that way, and I can have a good time.
Did your butt get flatter after the babes? Mine did, and it's WEIRD. Also, though, I mean, to tell the truth, it's probably just because I stopped moving my body around after that seventh month of pregnancy, and I just never moved again.
Oh well.
All I have to say is that you were a brave, brave woman to order a bathing suit from the computer. Actually, you're brave to even try to buy a new suit. Dammit. I'm scared to try them on. I'm the pastiest, whitest, see-throughest person to ever walk the land.
And here are some more retro suits for your viewing pleasure: These would cost even more to send back, though. http://www.forluna.co.uk/
Bummer! I need a new suit too, but have so many issues! Giant breastfeeding boobs, just had a baby five months ago, and a lovely benign tumor on my back that makes anything too low cut (most one pieces) cringe inducing.
LOL Im sure it was FINE. = )
hi! i just started reading your blog. i commented on one of your posts about washing your face with olive oil but now can't find it, oops. also, what the heck is a meep, anyway? hahah... thanks!
Ugh! I bought a similar one from Kohls last year. It wasn't too horrible. I have one that's a swim dress like Jess too, though I'm hoping that running will take the thigh coverage need away as well. I hate swimsuit shopping!
Yes! That cut makes my legs look weird and stubby too. Swimsuits are jerks. I am going to be like the Duggar family and make a full body swimsuit.
My milfitude ran straight into a brick wall.
Yeah. I am thinking that the more covered up I am, the more comfortable I am going to feel.
I don't think my butt got flatter after babies. But I for sure did grow an extra butt on my back, which is ridiculous and gets in the way of pretty much everything.
Holy crap, those are all awesome.
Did anyone ever figure out why Sylvia Plath took that oven nap? The real reason? Because I think it was trying on swimsuits she purchased over the internet.
No, dood. You would have for realsies thrown up immediately if you had seen it. It was just so bad.
A tumor!! Whoa! That could definitely pose a problem in things fitting properly.
Hey Simone! I did mention it somewhere, but I don't think I really went into that much detail about what to do. Here's the post I found that initially made me really interested in the whole thing, from this site, Cruncy Betty: http://www.crunchybetty.com/nitty-gritty-on-the-oil-cleansing-method
Post a Comment