lump

Good news! I don't have throat cancer.

And you're all, "Wait, wait. Back up. Throat cancer?"

I have this lump in the back of my throat that I noticed over a year ago. I went to my doctor, and he checked it out, and said it didn't seem sinister. This is a very smart and nice man whom I trust. But I was still freaked out about it. So I started asking pretty much every doctor friend I know what the what was up. And they all suggested I see an ENT doctor, because they weren't about to stop eating chips and hummus at a party and stick their fingers down my throat. Which makes perfect sense, because those guys do nothing but looks at throats and gross earwax and booger stuff all day.

So I went in yesterday, and had a doctor put his finger down my throat and feel around, and I gagged a bunch and it was super attractive. His conclusion was that I have a huge styloid process, which is a bone that grows on the skull beneath the ear, and comes out like a rhino horn. Mine happens to be large enough that I can feel it in there with the back of my tongue, and when I turn my head sometimes. It's gross, man. Gross. But not painful or scary in any way.

I had been quietly freaking out about this for some time now, and have not wanted to even say it out loud because I didn't want to give those fears any more ground than they deserved. But you guys, have you ever Googled a medical malady? Of course you have. That shouldn't have even been a question. You know that every single time you Google something, it comes up *CANCER! CANCER! CANCER!*. So this rock hard lump in the back of my throat has been troubling me. And this super sweet doctor whose job it is to look at boogers and earwax all day long calmed my fears by taking his time and explaining exactly what was up, and even showing me a diagram of it. Bedside manner to the max. He said, "It feels rock hard because it is! It's a bone!" And told me that it wasn't some kind of scary throat tumor, or some weird absorbed twin with teeth and hair and a little Voldemort face.

So now that I don't have throat cancer, I am feeling a lot lighter today. And of course, I will not be referring to the lump by its actual name, the styloid process, but rather, my "throat boner."

eight

Julian turned eight on Friday, and we had his party on Saturday. He got to pick a handful of friends to have over, and decided on a Harry Potter theme. Every single kid came dressed up, and it was so great. Also, Julian asked his friends to bring canned goods this year instead of presents, to be donated to a local food bank. I am so proud of him for this. At eight, I don't think I would have been mature enough to forgo all presents from friends. Of course, we still got him stuff and he wasn't totally hosed.

This is the only picture I really want to post from his party, because most of the others have kids in them, and I don't want to be some weirdo who posts pictures of other people's kids without permission, you know? So here's my own kid:

Julian requested a (gluten-free) chocolate cake with fresh strawberry filling, and a white chocolate buttercream icing. I have to say, it was the most delicious cake I have ever made and Wade and I have decided that it needs to be made at least once a month just because. I need that cake in my facehole.

On top of the cake were Lego Harry Potter characters that I made out of marshmallow fondant. I worked on them all week in the evenings, making a section at a time. Like, one night was dedicated to building torsos with little shirts and ties. It was pretty fun to do, and it seemed to all come together until the very last night, when it was time to piece all the body parts together. And then stuff started falling apart and cracking, along with my sanity. It was so frustrating to see everything I worked so hard on fall apart, and there was much swearing. At one point, I even kicked a folding chair and felt like a pro-wrestler. I eventually resorted to glueing things together because my tears were going to start making the colors run if I didn't stop crying. The glue did the job, although it made the characters inedible.

Some pictures of the cake: (I have mentioned the unacceptable sponge painting from the previous owners in my house before, yes? Well, here it is. Barf.)

Those little bitches made me cry, yo.

Perhaps the coolest Harry Potter element of all is this little banner quilt, made by my super talented friend Crystal from Sonnet of the Moon. I have been crapping my pants freaking out hard over this thing. It's crazy beautiful and was so kind of her to make, and Julian is super excited to hang it on his wall.

meep facts: the contradiction/confession list

1.a) I don't like diamonds.

They're absurdly expensive pieces of clear rock, and there's way too much importance placed on them. Why does our society want us to think that spending thousands of dollars on a diamond is the thing that you're just supposed to do? The saying "Diamonds are a girl's best friend" makes me cringe. And although I've read recently that diamonds are now ethically sourced, I still wonder if that's true, and if people are losing their lives just so people in the first world can have a sparkly clear rock embedded in their jewelry.

1.b) I wear a 1 carat diamond engagement ring every day. At the time it was purchased, Wade didn't know that I think diamonds are stupid. So I wear it. Meh. And when we were robbed, I was so relieved to see that the burglars had missed it lying on a shelf.

2.a) I think marijuana should be legalized.

This thing that grows in nature without chemical additives can be smoked and ease all sorts of discomforts: nausea, pain, and anxiety, to name a few. I have never once seen anyone get violent or aggressive after smoking weed. Can you say the same for alcohol? Nope. Obviously, either of these in excess has consequences. But I would much prefer to be around someone who is mellow and smoking weed than a sloppy drunk. My tolerance of drunk people is pretty much zero at this point. And really, just think about all the tons of cash the government could make if they legalized pot and could tax it.

2.b) I don't smoke, and have an alcoholic drink maybe once a month.

3.a) As a self-proclaimed hippie, I only use natural beauty products. I also am gluten-free, and make most of my meals vegetarian and organic. All my cleaning products are eco-friendly, and I recycle everything. I make my own deodorant out of kitchen ingredients. All very hippie-ish things.

3.b) I am so guilty of rolling my eyes when I hear people talk about things like giving their kids colloidal silver every day, or getting all angry about vaccines that have kept people from getting polio and other awful diseases. And in my head, I go, Do some research and educate yourself, you fucking hippie. I'm very aware of how judgmental and shitty of me it is to think this way. I also don't cloth diaper my baby, and use disposable diapers, which I know will end up in a landfill and take 500 million years to decompose.

4.a) I think it's really important to be okay with who you are, and embrace your physical flaws as things that are normal, and know that perfect isn't real or possible.

4.b) When my hair turns grey, I am going to dye the shit out of it. I also have been watching old episodes of Nip Tuck on Netflix (new to me) and have realized that I think I would be okay with some corrective surgery on myself if I got older and things started to hang weirdly. Like, if I got the really unfortunate rooster neck that pretty much everyone on both sides of my family has. I know, I know. So fucked up. But true.

5.a) When people are on their cell phones all the time, I get so annoyed. You know, the ones who tweet every single thing they're doing ("Walking my dog - passed 4 mailboxes!"), or random song lyrics all day long and expect others to find meaning or interest in them. I find it excessive and wish people would unplug for a minute, without having to record every single tiny detail of their day in the most narcissistic way for all of the internet to see. Like, just go on a walk and look around, without having to be on your phone. And I get especially annoyed when young teenagers have very expensive gadgety phones.

5.b) Right now, my cell phone is very basic and exists pretty much so I don't get murdered if my car breaks down while I'm driving the kids around, but I really do want an expensive gadgety phone. They're just so cool. Shameface.


Now that I've told you all the things that will make me sound like the world's biggest a-hole, please tell me some of yours, just so I'm not alone in my a-holery.

tuesday

- Thanks so much to those of you who donated to Jane. So far, you gave $60. I know that it doesn't sound like much, but my blog isn't really that much. I don't have a huge following, (which I'm fine with) and still you guys busted out your wallets and gave to a stranger in need. Thank you for helping!

- One of my besties turned 30, so I made her a giant moustache. I think if you look that up in the etiquette books, a giant moustache is exactly what Emily Post would recommend giving. Julian modeling:




- Both of my kids are downstairs right now watching Wonder Pets or the Backyardigans or something, because I need a freaking minute to myself where I'm not being required to touch anyone. And I don't really feel that guilty about letting the tv babysit for right now.

- My self-imposed coffee limit can suck it. Let it flow freely like the mighty Nile.


- Audrey only wants to hear the Taylor Swift song "Mine" at bedtime, and I am getting so. very. tired. of singing the same song to her every night. I've tried to switch it up, but she looks at me with her super intense stare, eyebrows included, and goes, "No. No, no, no. We-uhd." The girl flat out tells me that my songs are weird. She does like Joni Mitchell's "Big Yellow Taxi" a lot though, and requests that once in a while. Like when I start to leave the room and she feels really desperate to prolong the bedtime routine. She calls it, "Bop bop bop!" Really strange, but Julian used to call it the exact same thing when he was that age.

- I said in a really thick hillbilly accent to Wade a few nights ago, "Ah think yew need ta git the neuterin'." Because I grew and pushed out two entire people from my body, I don't have a huge ton of sympathy for a little snippity pain that men go through with a vasectomy. I mean, I'll give you a bag of peas and some Advil, but don't expect a lot more.

- My parents came to visit this last week, and I am exhausted from it. It was probably the best visit with them yet, but it's still so much work having people stay with you for a week. All the extra cooking and cleaning when I'm already feeling really tugged on really wore me out.

- I really want to say a lot more about their visit, but don't want to open that floodgate. My relationship with my parents is difficult. Of course I love them because they're my parents, but the similarities end there. We have different views on everything, and I have learned that if I want to have a decent-ish relationship with them, I have to keep my mouth shut because the clash just isn't worth it. Not ideal, but better that than estranged. I got only a few pictures while they were in town, and they ended up being of Audrey:




- Julian is turning 8 on Friday and I am still unable to grasp how he got so old. It's freaking me out.

- His birthday party is going to be Harry Potter themed, so I've been creating little Lego Harry Potter characters out of marshmallow fondant at night after the kids go to bed. It's turning out to be a lot more work than I thought, because those little Lego dudes have such detail. Wade and I have been watching "Louie" on Netflix streaming to pass the time while I make them, and it's been really great.

moar bits

- I know I'm so late to the party, but I've really been loving Louis C.K. lately. We don't have cable, so pretty much everything I watch is way late, because I wait for it to be available on Netflix. Last night, we watched his standup show, "Hilarious" and it really was. I laughed so hard that all the muscles in my throat and neck were hurting. He's got that fine balance of being so funny that you hurt yourself laughing, and being so depressing with his truths that you feel like jumping in front of a bus. He talked about how stupid it is for adults to hit kids, and while it was all very funny, it was so true and awful that it made my stomach hurt a little. I think he might be my favorite comic ever.

- My birthday is next month, and I want to have a party. But here's the dilemma: it's also Wade's birthday. And Audrey's is the day before. Realistically, I will not be having a party because it means that I will have to make Audrey's cake, and then my own. That's just crazy. Also, Wade doesn't want to have a party. I could just be all, "Screw you, Wilson. I want a birthday party." But since it's his birthday too, and he's expressed that he doesn't feel like cooking and cleaning up after a bunch of people on his birthday also, I get screwed in the process. I mean, I know it sounds petty. I do. "Boo hoo, I don't get to have a birthday party." Whatever. I just want to do something fun on my birthday for once. I never get to go out and do anything because I have kids, and really haven't felt that anyone has given a shit about me on my birthday since I was little. I'll stop my whining about my white people problems now. (By the way, that totally wasn't a plea for anyone to make anyone feel guilty or that they have to go and do birthday stuff for me, because that's not what I'm after at all, but I felt that I had to mention this because you guys are so nice that it's crazypants.)

- Audrey just now informed that a Care Bear pooped in her pants.

- My dog's toenails are so long that it looks like she's walking on stilts.

- I have been doing really well lately with limiting myself to only 2 cups of coffee a day, rather than letting the coffee flow freely like some never ending river of delicious bean juice. But I still think about cookies and candy all the time. And the worst time of day is at night, around 9:00, after the kids have gone to bed and I just want to stuff cookies into my facehole. Except that I've made a point of not keeping any of that stuff around, so at 9:00 every night, I get all anxious. But I bought some Chimes Ginger Chews from World Market, and they are a healthy-ish alternative to eating a pile of cookies, and I only need one or two to satiate the need for shoving foods into my facehole at night. Do any of you feel like this at night?

- I haven't washed my face with anything other than olive oil for over a month now, and it's great. It makes so much sense, I don't know why I didn't think of it before. Here's a bit of information about it, if you're curious.

for Jane

I am about to do something I have never done before, and wouldn't normally do: ask for money on the internet.

There's a woman, we will call her Jane*, who is really struggling right now. She escaped a very abusive relationship, and is now living in a shelter with her toddler son. Taking care of a toddler is hard enough without adding a) single mom b) living in a shelter c) being fearful of the ex - all into the mix. Right now, her life is very difficult.

Jane needs to find a safe place for her and her son to live, and is also saving for a car.

It shouldn't need to be mentioned, because abuse is abuse is abuse - but Jane is a smart, educated woman. I know there can be a stereotype surrounding domestic abuse, that it's only a certain kind of person who gets abused. Abuse can happen to anyone. Age, race, gender, economic status - none of those things matter. And there's this idea that they must be stupid if they've allowed it to happen. Well, she's not stupid. She's a really smart person who loves her son more than anything and is doing whatever it takes to keep him safe. She's the kind of mom who is concerned with what kind of foods she feeds her son, and believes in attachment parenting. Before she was living in this shelter, she was just like any other normal person. Things can go from sugar to shit really fast.

What I'm asking from you all is to help her get back on her feet. I was able to give some, and a few friends have already blown me away by just hearing about Jane's situation and donating money to a stranger who needs help. Thank you so much to those who have already donated. It's helping her get back on her feet.

I'm not asking for huge amounts. Any small donation will help, because if lots of people give even just a little bit, all of that will add up to helping her find a safe place to live. Do you like to buy a latte when you're out? Would you consider not getting the latte just for one day and giving that money instead to help Jane?

You guys know I don't do this, ever. I give to charities I believe in, but I don't like to go around beating a drum and trying to rally people for a cause. I like to let people make their own decisions about what charities they give to. But this is a real person, not a charity. Anything you give to her will get directly to her and not be split up into overhead costs, or paying for some CEO's absurd salary.

I've set up a PayPal link on the right side of my blog, and if you would like to donate, I would really appreciate it - and Jane would really appreciate it. Thanks for all the generosity I've already seen from you all. Greatest bunch of people ever. I'll keep track of everyone's name so she'll be able to know who has helped out. Every single cent of what you give will go directly to her.


* Not her real name, for safety reasons. Getting away from an abuser can be scary, and nobody wants to be tracked down. So I'm not putting her real name on here because discretion is extremely important right now.

bits

- Last night I dreamed that the elementary school where Julian goes declared all future Thursdays as "Emilio Esteves Thursday." Everyone was genuinely excited about it, and I was the only one who was very confused.

- In a separate dream last night, we went to the beach and stayed in a cute but skank-ish beach motel, and our entire family got lice. I don't even know what lice look like in real life, but in my dream, they were like the fattest fleas you could imagine. And they were all in our hair. I woke up extremely itchy and upset, and my dream abruptly ended at the part where I was freaking out and demanding that we get our money back from the hotel and be compensated for lice treatment. Heh.

- Audrey talks a lot now, about things I didn't even realize she was aware of. This morning, she walked into my bathroom and peeked at the floor where the edge of the cabinet meets the tile, then looked up at me and said, "dirty!" Well.

- Julian is turning 8 at the end of the month, and has asked for a Harry Potter birthday cake. Specifically, Lego Harry Potter. And he wants it to be 3D, so I need to get cracking on making some marshmallow fondant, dyeing it, and molding it into little Lego people so it has time to dry and won't fall apart. Last year, he got totally hosed because we had just gotten robbed and were living with friends until our broken doors and windows could be replaced, and I didn't have access to all my fun baking stuff. So I really want this year to be special for him. Remember the Yellow Submarine cake of his sixth birthday? I want it to be that kind of awesome.

- I'm growing out my pixie hair because I decided that deep down, I really want mermaid hair. This means that I have entered the Bieber phase of hair growth, and must wear a hat pretty much all the time to cover the Bieberness.



- Also, hi. I have a lot of moles.

siblings

Julian and Audrey were playing together in the kitchen when I made breakfast this morning, and I heard this go down:

Julian: "Ow, Audrey! No hitting!"
Audrey: "Why? WHY?!"
J: "Because it's not nice. Do we hit you?"
A: "Um, no."
J: "Right. We don't hit."
A: "Otay."

And then they hugged.




My mind = blown

resolutely happy

Happy New Year! (Four days late.)

Pretty much everywhere I look, people are posting New Year's resolutions. Losing weight seems to be the top one. I don't make resolutions. Well, I mean, I guess I make them. Everyone makes them. If you decide to do something, you've made a resolution. But I don't make them for the new year. I think if you're going to do something, just do it. Start now. Why wait for a new calendar year to better yourself? Make yourself kick more ass today.

But I do think the intentions behind most of these resolutions are great. I would like to be more active than I am currently. And I want to stay more organized. Playing guitar more and working on songwriting is always something I want to do. We have lived in our house for a year and a half, but still have only painted the kids rooms. And there is some really nasty sponge painting that needs to be covered up like yesterday (there is never a time when sponge painting is acceptable, you guys). But life is busy. All of my energy right now is devoted to taking care of people, and often there is not much left for even taking care of me. It sucks sometimes and makes me sad, but I know this is temporary, just like everything else in life.

So I think that for now, my new year will start out with feeling grateful that I am healthy, and have an awesome family and group of friends. I am thankful that I have two amazing kids and I get the privilege of knowing them and helping them grow into the adults they'll turn into one day. I am thankful that we have plenty of food in a world where so many people are hungry every day. And I'm thankful for all of the kindness I've gotten from you all. There is some serious ugliness on the internet, but everyone who I interact with on this blog is always so great. Thank you for that.

I hope you all had a beautiful time with your loved ones and stayed safe, and I will leave you with a picture of Audrey's recent obsession - going pantsless. Good times!