birthday cluster

Yesterday, Wade and I had our birthday. The day before that, Audrey turned two. How is my baby, my tiny baby who was born yesterday and never sleeps and will be my very last baby, 2 already? 

We kept our birthdays relatively mellow. Julian's birthday was a full out hullabaloo, and we had such a great time having a party for him with a bunch of his pals. But Audrey has two friends. Pretty impressive for someone who hangs out with her mom all day and does nothing else. Still, we were just planning on having a very small family birthday dinner. But then Wade's grandmother got really sick, and ended up in the hospital for a week. She's doing much better now, and is home, so maybe we'll do something small this weekend. I'm still not sure. I definitely don't want to screw Audrey out of a proper party with photos to document the day though, because we got majorly screwed last year with the robbery, and not being able to live in our house for so long while stuff was fixed. So I'm determined to have a cake for Audrey and photos of her birthday party, even if it is just a teensy gathering. 

Here she is, doing a moustache fashion show:

Some other things:

-My pixie haircut is growing out and it's so bad that there are no photos to document it. I've been wearing headbands and hats a lot lately, because it's just a wild and awful mess. For the longest time, it looked so incredibly Bieber. And now, it has surpassed that and I am in the phase where my hair looks like the love child of Dorothy Hamill and Craig T. Nelson. It's a really bad bowl mullet. Gah.

-Everyone I know is either pregnant, or just had a baby. This is messing with my head in such a way that I keep finding myself actually wanting a third baby. Except, not really. I get really excited about the idea of another kid, but when I start remembering how much I suck at pregnancy, and the possibility of getting another Neversleeper, I am immediately cured.

-You guys can not imagine the amount of butt-dials that I get from people. And drunk-dials. Now, butt-dials I can forgive. We've all done it. But the drunk-dials are getting absurd. I know, my name starts with A, so I'm right there at the top of the contacts list, just staring you in the face when you're wasted. But I really get so many drunk-dials. And it's not like they're even from good friends. I could even tolerate that. They're mostly from acquaintances, which has made for some really awkward and uncomfortable interactions. I'm thinking of changing my name to Yasmine just to avoid future instances of this.

soapbox

Some things that make me feel stabby:

- Grown men who refer to grown women affectionately as "baby girl". It seems so condescending to me. Even if it isn't meant that way. I just don't like it.

- Listening to NPR yesterday, and people just going off about how gay marriage shouldn't be legalized because "God states very clearly in the Bible that it displeases him" and that, "It's goes against tradition." Okay, I get it. You are allowed to not like gay marriage. I happen to fully support it, and consider it to be a human right. If we only stuck with tradition, I wouldn't be allowed to vote. Or have my own religious (or otherwise) beliefs. My husband could beat the shit out of me all day long and it wouldn't matter, because I would be his property. Good thing we told tradition to suck it, yes? Why do we need to keep gay people from getting married simply because it is non-traditional? Why do people need to push their religious views into the laws? You don't have to like gay marriage. You can even go ahead and think it's evil. You can think that a side effect of gay marriage is global warming, if you want to. But allowing gay people to get married isn't destroying your marriage or your family, or even our society. And keeping them from getting married isn't making anyone less gay, if that's what you were hoping for. Live and let live, dude. Better yet, live and let love.

- Seeing such venom from people over a popular blogger's divorce. Just in a quick google search, I found hundreds of sites where people had posted joyously that this couple was breaking up. And in the comments section, their faithful readers supporting their hatred and saying things like, "I would laugh if I read that she hung herself in a closet!" Why such poison? Take that energy that you're using on enjoying someone's pain, and put it towards making things better. Anything. But spending your time on celebrating the ruin of another person is gross. And kind of related but not really - what is up with the Bieber hatred? I get it. He's cheesy. And his hair is crazy. I should know, my hair is extreme-Bieber right now during the pixie-growing-out. And I don't think I'd ever buy his music. I couldn't even tell you what songs he sings. But these people who keep making jokes that he should just die already? That's shitty, man. Long live Biebs.

Stuff I have to remind myself of:

- Any time I find myself complaining about my first world problems, like that my house has crappy decoration from the previous owners (that I have yet to take care of in the 18 months of living here), or that my clothes aren't cool or whatever - I have to remind myself that someone in Africa had to walk 5 miles to get water, and was probably raped on the way there. Or that people in Syria are living in fear for their lives every single day. Perspective, you know?

- Audrey will only be tiny once in her life. Unless she's got some crazy genetic condition that I don't know about that might keep her the size of a 2-year-old for her entire life. Probably not. Anyway, I can't get too frustrated with the stuff she does as a tiny lady. Or frustrated with Julian for being a normal 8-year-old boy and having all of his thoughts centered on Wii games. They are who they are, and I can't force them (nor do I want to) make them into adults faster than they need to be.

- Candy is awesome. So is cake. And coffee. All of these things make The Happy.

- Don't go to Costco on an empty stomach, because then you will get ravenous and nomgobble a bunch of hot dog samples with the ferocity of someone who just escaped from a Turkish prison, even though you know hot dogs are gross and made of pigeon and rat butts.

- These people make every single day of my life better, even when they make me crazy:

first snow

Okay, I know my last post was super mopey and down, and I get really down on being a stay at home mom, but I really am not entirely a nutbag. I mean, mostly, yes. That much is obvious, I am sure. But not entirely a nutbag. Anyway, Wade and I talked about what we could do to make it not suck so much for me, and we both agreed that I need some more time to myself. He is so supportive and I really did get an ass-kicker in the husband department. Does something need to be done? This guy gets it done. He is the complete opposite of the husband who goes golfing for hours every weekend with his pals, or sits around watching football every Sunday. He's Involved Dad. And I adore him for that. And for other reasons, like having a hot bum.

Okay. Back to the point. So we have worked out a plan that allows me to sneak off to the gym and work out, and he child-wrangles. We're lucky that he's got a pretty flexible schedule with his job, and is able to move stuff around so he can help me be un-crazy. Because seriously you guys, exercise is magic. I finally understand all the hype about exercise endorphins. They make me feel all, "Woohoo! I have muscles! And I actually really like my kids a lot!" So that's good. I am feeling a lot less stuck with this new arrangement than I was before, just being tied to the house all day with Audrey.

And Audrey has been sleeping more. I don't want to jinx anything, but she has finally started taking naps (did I just blow it by saying it??) and HOLY MEATBALLS. It's amazing what you can accomplish in one hour while a small person is sleeping. People who have kids who sleep must think I'm an idiot because they don't understand. I didn't understand before I had Audrey, because Julian was a great napper. I thought it must be some kind of bad parenting when people had kids who didn't take regular naps. And then baby Jesus scorched me hard by giving me the Neversleeper. That'll teach you to be a judgy asshole, Allison.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

We had a very light snow day on Sunday, and my kids really enjoyed playing in it. Julian is confident in climbing all over stuff now that he's bigger, and this is the first time Audrey has really been aware of what's going on. It was so much fun watching them play in the snow, and even more fun was watching them play together. It was a cool reminder of how lucky they are to have each other, and how I hope their relationship is solid when they are older.

I was taking some pictures of them sledding in the yard, and I decided to use the "sports" setting on the camera. It's basically a setting that allows you to hold the button down and it takes a series of pictures, much faster than you'd be able to take them if you just kept pushing the button repeatedly. And this progression of photos has made me laugh so hard every single time I look at it:

Julian's face in the second picture KILLS me. The cringe right as Molly dive bombs their sledding moment. I can't help but laugh.

worn

I am having such a hard time lately with being a stay-at-home-mom. First of all, I hate the acronym SAHM. It bugs me. I can't even really explain why, other than it kind of reminds me of "ham sandwich" which isn't entirely bad. I'm not making any sense.

This caregiver thing is wearing me down. I feel like all I am is someone who takes care of small people. I am not Allison anymore. Allison, who had interests and talents in other areas than being a full time babysitter.

Sometimes I think that if Audrey ever slept, that might make things easier. If I could just make it through a night without being needed and having small hands reach for me, and tug on my eyelashes or the hair at my neckline. Two nights ago, Audrey slept through the night and it made such a difference in how I felt about being with her during the day. I was happy to be around her, and I didn't mind being needed. Last night, she did her usual neversleeping thing and was up all night. She rolled around in my bed and kept me awake, and accidentally punched me in the mouth and split my lip. This morning, I feel like I don't want to be anyone's mother. I just want to lie in bed and cry. But I can't. I have to spend all day taking care of her, even though I am physically and mentally exhausted. There is no backup. Wade does so much when he's home, and is really a tremendous partner. But when he's at work all day, I'm just here alone with Audrey. I am so jealous of the people who have families who support them and help them with their kids.

And then there's this tremendous guilt that goes with these feelings of not wanting to have to take care of anyone, or be touched. Like I'm this horrible mother for resenting my child and her neediness. Guilt over most days hating being a stay-at-home-mom, and wishing I could go to a job instead of feeling trapped here all day with a kid who never sleeps and always needs to be touched.

And then, there's this. This perfect little girl who is sweet and smart and funny, and makes our family complete:

This is the face she makes when I ask her to smile.

Crayon all over her face. Or, as she calls it, "lips."

How can I feel so much love for someone that it makes me feel like my chest could literally explode sometimes, and then feel like I don't want to stay home with her and be around her all day? I know that this feeling of mom-guilt or whatever you call it is a useless emotion. Guilt does us no good. It gets us into negative thinking patterns and ruts. But even with knowing this, I still feel guilt. I feel guilty for wishing time would speed up and she would be in preschool for a few days a week so I could get a break and not feel so suffocated, because it means that I'm not enjoying right now. This time that I will never get back with her. I'm not savoring it. And I really wish that I were, because I know that she won't be tiny forever. She is going to grow up and go off to school, and then I will long for the days that I had that clingy baby who needed to be touched all day.

i really don't know clouds

Around Halloween time, I bought some crazy hot pink and black striped tights to wear with this black dress I have had since high school, and was planning on dressing as a witch. I really ended up just looking like an angsty gothy teenager, but whatever.

The tights were labeled, "one size fits most" but when I wore them, I quickly realized that they must have meant one size fits most people under 4'11". They were crazy short, so I took them off, threw them in my closet, and there they have sat until yesterday. Yesterday, Audrey saw the tights lying on the closet floor and got very excited because she loves pink. Except she thinks it's red, so she yelled, "RED!!" and wrapped the tights around her body.

So I cut the legs off and tied them together, and made a tights boa for her to play with. The real treasure was the weird underwear part though. She put them on and has been obsessed with running around in them. It kind of looks like she's wearing one of those old timey bathing suits.

We've also been listening to Joni Mitchell a lot lately, and she was in the middle of an interpretive dance to "Both Sides Now" when these pictures were taken. And she kept exclaiming, "Mitchell!"

Could she be any more toddler-er in these pictures? I think not.

She finally got some real clothes on, but promptly put the tights suit back on. Then she climbed up in my lap and fell asleep. And I don't dare move an inch, because, hi. She's a neversleeper. I'll take what I can get.