a review

Remember when I said I had just ordered this swimsuit, and was super excited about how it was going to make me a huge milf, and that it would conceal all my wobbly bits that I feel so insecure about?

Well, it came in the mail today. And I was so very excited to try it on. I was even feeling pretty good about my body and not thinking any hateful thoughts about it, and feeling like maybe I'm not so wobbly and crazy looking after all. I even had finished a pretty great workout and was feeling like my muscle tone is slowly but surely coming back. And then I tried it on.

Okay, I am a white girl. I have a white girl butt. I mean, it's not bone thin or anything, but I certainly do not have a juicy booty that is so coveted in our society. But the way this swimsuit was sewn, you would think that I had the badonkadonk-iest bum ever, because it gave me weird butt cleavage. Like, where the elastic line went, it was so tight that my butt squished out of it. My small, flat, white girl butt was too big for this thing. And the chest!! The chest that was supposed to be padded and supported with underwires. Well, it had a thick and tight elastic running across the very top that did this really adorable flattening down of my already really unfortunate and long mom boobs. Hello, bellybutton length nips! Good to show you off!

I don't think I even need to say that ModCloth will be getting a return shipment from me very soon.

Oh, polka dotted milf swimsuit. I had such high hopes for you. And the search continues.

meep style

Here are some things I am enjoying lately. 

I bought this swimsuit last night online from ModCloth, and I am hoping that it increases my milf factor when I'm wearing it. I love the vintage Marilyn Monroe look about it, and I really like that it will cover up all the spots that I am feeling insecure about. It got fantastic reviews, so I'm excited for it to arrive in the mail soon. Don't expect any pictures of me wearing it though, because as I mentioned, I am insecure about my wobbly bits. 

This makeup. I found this brand, Zuzu Luxe, at Whole Foods and decided to give it a try. I'm so glad I did. It's mineral makeup in a powder compact, and it comes with a little sponge applicator that lives in a little compartment underneath the powder. I don't use the sponge though, and instead use a kabuki brush to apply the makeup. I think this is the closest color match I have found in a very long time for my pasty whiteness (shade D-14) that doesn't wash me out too much and make me look like I'm trying to be a Twilight fan.

When I was at Target a few days ago, I bought this nail polish because 1) it is free of formaldehyde, toluene, and all other gross things that you're supposed to avoid in nail polishes, and 2) it was about 2 bucks. I really like the pale pink color, although the thickness of it is kind of weird. The color name is "Easy Going", which is how a lot of people on dating websites like to describe themselves. 

 

Nutiva coconut oil. I ended up buying a big honking jar of this from Amazon, and I use it for everything. In cooking, as a butter replacement on a potato, in smoothies, as a lotion on my skin, as an ingredient in my homemade hippie deodorant, and I have started washing my face with it. I was using olive oil, but decided to give coconut oil a try. And holy monkeys. It's made my skin like a kazillion times better. I read something a while back about coconut oil being comedogenic and not to use it on your face, but that's totally not the case with me. This stuff is more magical than Morgan Freeman's freckles. 

What are some of the things that you are into lately? Also, please give me style advice because I suck at being a girl and need help dressing myself. And while you're at it, tell me 5 things that just make you happy.

*Obviously, none of this was sponsored in any way, because like 3 people read my blog and I have no advertising on here.

absence

A funny thing happens when you get super active in your real life: your internet life gets quiet. At least that's what happens for me. Now that the weather is nice, all Audrey wants to do is be outside. She wants to be running through the back yard with our dog, Molly, and picking flowers. Or blowing bubbles on the front porch. 

Blowing bubbles while holding her best pal, "Meow Meow". 

Serious concentration.

Audrey is suddenly so chatty and busy, and I want to make this time at home with her count, instead of her playing alone while I sit at my computer. She's also kind of potty training herself. I mean, she has been since she was 19 months old. But now, she's using the potty a lot. And never wants to wear pants. She's very intent on wearing underwear, or "wears" or "unders", as she calls them. But this means that I have to be on her like a seagull on a hot dog. If I am not paying full attention to her every minute of the day, I'll hear her say, "Oh no, Mommy! Pees!!" and find her standing in a small puddle.

All while potty training, I have been weaning her. And it was so difficult at first. I have difficulties with my weaner! (heh.) After a day of feeling like I was being grabbed all day long though, I decided to cut her off completely. That was the 14th, so today is one full week that Audrey has gone boobless. Now, when she asks for, "a boobie? One? Pease?" I tell her they're for little babies, and she is a big girl now. So she has begun to say, "Boobies? Little Bay-beees. Umma-numma-nummy!" which means that she wants an M&M for being a big girl and not having boobies. And man, I am so fine with paying one M&M for not having to be pawed at all day long. It's working really nicely so far. And she has also started sleeping through the night, which most regular people do anyway, but is a great big huge deal for a neversleeper. You cannot imagine how amazing I feel lately. Not being grabbed all day AND getting to sleep at night? It's like I'm a different person.

Lest you think I forgot about my eldest child, here he is at a friend's house:

I don't even know.

They were dressing up as spies because they wanted to spy on his friend's dad without him knowing who they were. Yeah, Julian. Really inconspicuous with your geisha/bag lady outfit.

conversations with audrey

I gave Audrey a piece of bacon while I made her breakfast, and then turned around and it was gone. Way too quickly to have been eaten by a tiny girl.

Me: Audrey, where is your bacon?
Audrey: Mowwy!
Me: You gave it to Molly? (the dog)
Audrey: :::nods:::
Me: Oh, Audrey. You're not supposed to give your food to Molly.
Audrey: :::hangs head::: Oh, dawn it.

meep of ages

31 totally punked me. Or maybe it's because I'm trying to wean Audrey. But my body right now looks like it's melting. It's floppity and all my clothes are a little too tight, and my skin. Oh, my skin. It's very confused and thinks I'm 15 and 75 all at the same time. 

What the crap, though? It's bad enough that my hair is in a weird growing out phase, but now I have gross skin and a floppity body to go with it. You know those girls who, when they gain weight, just gain it in their boobs and butt? Yeah. I am not one of those girls. I gain weight in my extra butt. What is an extra butt? It is the area on the back, above the butt, that used to be completely normal prior to ever being pregnant. But once pregnant, it was like my body decided to start storing fat there, in the shape of an extra butt strapped to my back, for famine. My not so lovely lady lumps. 

I'm not going to say what my weight is, because I am not looking for sympathy and would mostly experience the collective eye roll from the internet. We have this weird thing in chick society that, unless you're morbidly obese, if you ever complain about your body, everyone will go, "Whatever, girl!" But when you're used to your body being a certain size and shape always, even a few extra pounds (like the 7 or 8 I'm toting around) make a huge difference in the way you feel about yourself. Clothes don't fit well anymore. And it's not like I'm going to go out and buy new clothes just because I gained a few pounds. Everything just feels weird and uncomfortable. And I know that I mostly have a size that I am comfortable with, but this extra me is bumming me out. Or it's extra bumming me out. Get it? I made a terrible pun about my extra butt. Yeah. 

I'm hoping it's all just some awful side effect of a hormonal freak out from the everlasting weaning process. The weaning process truly is taking forever. Audrey has mastered the art of wearing me down by sweetly begging, "Pease!! Peaaaaase?" And when I say no, she looks at me and gives me the one raised eyebrow and says, "Hamahn!" (C'mon!) Also, her ability to use a perfectly timed, "What the what!?" blows my mind. The lady means business about getting a boobie. (Side rant: I am so fucking tired of random people scolding me and saying that, "When they're old enough to ask for it, they should be cut off." Audrey said "booboo" before she ever said "Mama"- so that logic is crappy. 2 years old is not a disgusting age to still be breastfeeding, and I can promise you that she will not be a 13 year old who still breastfeeds, nor will she be somehow emotionally fucked up from extended breastfeeding. Also? Everybody just stop giving formula feeding moms shit for not breastfeeding. End rant.)

Although I am 31 with the skin of both a 15 and 75 year old, I have the mental maturity of a 12 year old boy. Evidence: 

Can you see that? It says, "pee + poop here" with a little downward pointing arrow. We signed Julian up for an after school Mad Science program because he's really interested in science and doing experiments. (Don't ask me what they do, because every time I ask, he says, "Stuff.") So he came home one day with this pen that writes in invisible ink and on the other side, it has a tiny black light. He got right to work proclaiming his love for a lady on his bedroom walls, and I thought it would be awesome to write above the toilet in invisible ink. Because I'm classy and would never write it in visible ink. 

audrey + cake

Here's a little recap of Audrey's birthday party that we had last weekend. We weren't going to really do anything big, and just have a little family dinner with Wade's grandparents. But they were still staying home and keeping it easy since his grandmother got back from her stay in the hospital. I still wanted to make a cake for Audrey though, even if it was just going to be the four of us because she deserves to be celebrated. And then, my awesome friend Kim told me that she was making pasta sauce and she and her family were coming over for dinner, thus forming an impromptu birthday party. 

I promise this cake wasn't made of sewage (It was actually chocolate with chocolate buttercream frosting and I now understand how people like Paula Deen are famous. It just makes you want to keep eating and eating and eating). I'm just not so great at the picture-taking yet. And my dining room is a vacuum of light with its texturized walls and sponge painting, as you will see in the photos below. (Ohhhh man. I can't wait until Wade's summer break so I can get cracking on painting this house.)

Blowing out the candles.

Like a shark at feeding time. Note Julian's expression in the background.

Me with my girl (after the feeding frenzy).

On the birthday bus.

The picture of Audrey on her new "bus" is so cute and funny to me. She picked out this adorable outfit for herself, and let me put her hair in tiny pigtails....and then put Crocs on. Oh, Audrey! Fashionable until the ankle. I love that girl.

Also! The most creatively talented girl I know, my friend Jenny Foust, made a header for me because she's the nicest. Thank you, Jenny Foust!! (In case you were wondering, I actually do say her entire name each time I say it. It just feels right.)

friday

Here's a picture I took today of my growing out hair. It actually doesn't look too horrible, because I spent a foolish amount of time blow drying it with a round brush, and the headband pushes the Dorothy Hamill bowl-ness back away from my face. Thank the good lord baby Jesus for headbands. 

I always feel really awkward photographing myself, and end up making really goofy smirk faces that I can't seem to help. And I have a lot of moles, which I must talk about a lot, because the number of people who search phrases like, "pretty moles" or "a lot of moles" or "weird mole with hair growing out of it" is crazy high for a non mole themed blog. 

Other tidbits:

- In the car on the way home from Julian's school yesterday, I heard Audrey say, "No, Juju! Dis!" And then Julian said, "Eeew. No, Audrey." So I asked what was up. And he told me that he was eating the remainder of his sandwich from lunch, and when Audrey saw that, she picked a booger and offered it to him. Blehhhh. And kind of thoughtful?

- We have a neighbor behind us in the woods who has a Harley. Or some other really loud kind of motorcycle. It's crazy loud. And he works on it all the motherhumping time, revving the engine at all hours of the day. He's even done it at 1:30 in the morning, which is when I decided that living in the woods can eat my balls because we ended up with a bunch of crazy redneck neighbors who think it's cool to do stuff like that.

Anyway, he was revving his motorcycle really loudly yesterday afternoon and Julian got so pissed about it. I told him that it wasn't my favorite sound, but the neighbor was free to work on his bike and make noise because it wasn't super late. But Julian would have none of it. So he took his new recorder (you know, the plastic flutey instrument) out in the back yard and played the only song he knows on the recorder, Ode to Joy, as loud as he could to let the neighbor know that his loudness was unacceptable. That'll show him, Julian. Playing a happy song on a plastic whistle is the best way to get your message across clearly!

- I keep telling Wade that instead of being a sound guy/professor, he should be a chiropractor just because I want someone to crack my back all day long. I don't think he'll make a career change like that just for me though.